Impostor Syndrome - An Ever-Present Spectre

Cute picture, but a very, very real issue.

If you're reading this website, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're fairly smart.

If you're working in IT or cybersecurity, the level of knowledge that constitutes "basic" these days is fairly ridiculous.

It's just a fact of the job.

It requires a lot of knowledge to even be useful in this line of work, never mind to be any good.

Surely, once you've found your way in through the door and are a working IT or cyber professional, you can sit back, breathe and realise "I can do this!" - right?

Then why do so many of us struggle so hard with accepting compliments, having confidence in our work , whilst constantly undercutting ourselves?

We constantly criticise and undercut our own work, lest we be ousted as an "impostor", or a "fraud".

We're constantly worried about getting that tap on the shoulder and hearing "alright man, you've had your fun, time to go", and getting led out the door having been "found out".

If you've ever felt, or currently feel this way, then you might be a victim of a psychological pattern known as impostor syndrome or the impostor experience.

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What is Impostor Syndrome?:

"Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. Those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved" - Sakulku, J.; Alexander, J. (2011). "The Impostor Phenomenon". International Journal of Behavioral Science.

Sound familiar? Thought it might.

Impostor syndrome is an insidious thought pattern experienced by a wide variety of professionals from all walks of life. However, it is not the "realistic self-assessment" that many people rationalise it away as - far from it.

The quote above is from the abstract of a well-regarded study on the phenomenon, but it can be roundly described as that feeling a lot of high-achieving men and women feel when you just never quite feel "solid" as a professional.

You don't feel deserving of your position, and you say that you got where you were as the result of serendipity,luck or a lack of competition - rather than your own hard work and graft.

It's an inability to own your successes and internalise your value as a professional and an authority, in short. In a knowledge-heavy field such as information security, your reputation is engineered mostly by your skillset and how well you can vocalise and demonstrate it to others.

Those "others", your peers, are the ones whom you're trying to convince of your value.

What if you put yourself out there and they call you out?

Impostor syndrome is that bundle of feelings and thought processes that lead you to consider yourself an impostor, waiting to be "found out", when there is usually ample evidence to suggest that you're actually pretty good at what you do.

Now we've identified what impostor syndrome is, let's look at how it manifests itself in real life.

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How does Impostor Syndrome tend to manifest itself in InfoSec/IT professionals?

One of the better articles I've read on the subject of identifying the harmful thought patterns and feelings that make up impostor syndrome, published on The Muse, breaks down manifestations of it into a few "archetypes".

I'm going to go into a few of them, and they'll sound very familiar to a lot of you. This is to show you that you're not the only one that feels the way you do, and that dealing with it is important.

Impostor syndrome can suck the joy and fun out of a stimulating and engaging career and lead you to turn down opportunities you were amply qualified for.

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Archetype #1 - "The Perfectionist"

If this isn't ME, god-damn.

Are you one of those people that sets standards for yourself, that could safely be described as brutally high?

Find it extremely difficult to let anyone help out on work or peer review/take a look at work you've done?

Miss the mark or minorly f**k up on something - missing your own insanely high standard you set - and then spend the next 3 days dwelling on it.

"Ugh, I'm not cut out for this work", "I should go do something else, I'm just not good enough at this to put myself out there." start floating around your head more and more often.

Do you micromanage? Or have you been accused of it?

And here's the real indicator you might be suffering from this one - when you actually do get whatever it was you wanted, it's not even that satisfying, because you just feel like you could have done bettter?

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Advice for dealing with this sort of feeling, if you're a "Perfectionist":

• Own and celebrate your achievements. This includes the small ones, as well as the big. The little shots of dopamine, and track record of smaller achievements are what keeps burnout and self-sabotage from killing whatever project you're working on. Or at least killing your enthusiasm for your work - which is worse, as its more general.

• Mistakes and fuckups are part of the process. An integral one, in fact. Prepare for and accept this in advance of starting a project. There is literally nothing wrong with you making mistakes at any point in a project, learning a skill, or in general. The point is that you've learned what not to do, don't do it next time. Better do it quick, and do it fast rather than get broadsided later. Experience can be a brutal teacher, but by God do you learn - if you're listening. No-one is expecting perfection out of you - relax.

• Perfectionism is neither productive nor healthy - make a concerted effort to give yourself a break and start setting timescales that are more realistic, incorporating time for recovery and recharging.

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I'll hold my hands up here - this is 100% where I personally land.

I am horrendous for holding myself up to standards of work that far outstrip my ability at times, constantly telling myself "be better, you're better than this" - when the work was just cognitively above me at that time. Difficult, ambitious, risky stuff takes time, man.

It's almost like trying to learn Python for Data Science whilst working full-time as a pentester was insane, and giving myself a break for not being able to grasp it immediately was in order.

Did I do that?...Did I f**k.

I legitimately beat myself up for weeks for not being able to grasp degree-level maths,statistics and advanced Python programming whilst balancing a full-time, mentally taxing job as a penetration tester.

Struggle is a natural part of the process of learning any new skill - and you need to account for this in your plans.

Like Jake from Adventure Time says:

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Archetype #2 - "The Natural High-Achiever"

This leads on quite neatly from the Perfectionist archetype. These guys and girls are the ones that did exceptionally well at school, and without much effort. And then got rudely awakened once they got to college/university - when they found out they weren't automatically the smartest person in the room anymore.

Did you get used to excelling as a kid and a teenager - racking up high grades and "gold stars" - and all without expending that much effort, all things considered?

Do you dislike the idea of being mentored or taught, because you feel like you can do it on your own?

Do you take setbacks and failures particularly personally - even feeling shame at not being able to reach ridiculous standards quickly and with ease?

The article this archetype comes from summarises this type of "impostor" perfectly -

"These types of imposters set their internal bar impossibly high, just like perfectionists. But natural "genius" types don’t just judge themselves based on ridiculous expectations, they also judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try. When they’re not able to do something quickly or fluently, their alarm sounds."

Sound familiar? You might be one of the "Natural High-Achiever" types - let's look at some advice for helping manage these thoughts and processes.

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Advice for dealing with this sort of feeling, if you're a "Natural High-Achiever":

• See yourself, and your work as a "work in progress". Big ambitious goals, and achieving a level of mastery over anything is a long (potentially lifelong) process. This applies to everyone, even the super-confident types. You don't have to go from A, directly to Z - take it bit by bit.

• Don't beat yourself up when you don't reach your own high standards. Just reach for the next smallest thing and change that. Then the next thing, and the next thing. You'll take the pressure right off, and you might even be surprised how successful you end up being.

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The "oh crap, maybe I'm not as clever as I thought I was" hit me hard when I went to university. Not only was I not the smartest person in the room anymore, I wasn't even close. Kids were there that ran rings around me - and I won't lie, it knocks your confidence a little.

It's something you've built your self-esteem around for a good few years, and it can really be a rug-pulled-from-under-your-feet moment.

But after a while, I realised something. That not being the smartest person in the room, or at work, or anywhere for that matter was absolutely fine. Sometimes people know more than you do on a given topic, and that isn't a negative reflection on you - it's a chance to learn something new, and one you should take with both hands.

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Archetype #3 - "The Expert"

In an industry filled with extremely clever people, with an overrepresentation of people who pride themselves on their skill and knowledge - there's a good chance that you know, or are one of these types.

Does the idea of being exposed as "inexperienced", "unknowledgeable" or even just "wrong" terrify you?

Do you only apply for jobs where you meet every single educational requirement?

Are you constantly seeking out certifications because you think your current state of knowledge isn't good enough?

Do you always feel like you still don’t know “enough?”

Do you shudder and immediately shoot yourself down when someone says you’re an expert?

The Muse summarises "the Expert" like this:

"Striving to bulk up your skill set can certainly help you make strides professionally and keep you competitive in the job market. But taken too far, the tendency to endlessly seek out more information can actually be a form of procrastination."

Sound familiar? Then you may just be one of these types.

Let's look at some useful tips for dealing with and managing these thought processes and feelings.

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Advice for dealing with this sort of feeling, if you're the "Expert":

• You don't need a Master's degree to even begin to start looking at jobs in IT or InfoSec. Build a foundation, and then just start applying. Based on your feedback , learn just the stuff that you need there and then. Learn a new skill when you need it (i.e for a job) rather than just learning and learning because fear is stopping you actually applying (and potentially being rejected).

• There's no shame whatsoever in asking for help, and the only stupid question is the one you didn't ask because you worried about it being stupid. People generally love being helpful to colleagues, and other professionals in general - it makes them happy.

• Want to really find out whether you know something? Teach it to someone else. It will force you to really understand something, and hopefully heal your feelings of being "fradulent". Mentoring and sharing your knowledge helps you sharpen your skills and also benefits the people you teach.

My only real tip for this one is that in my experience, job adverts are idealised shopping lists for a perfect candidate that rarely actually exists.

If they did, the company likely couldn't afford said individual, and they'd probably get turned away for being "overqualified" anyway!

Look closer at the "job responsibilities" section of the advert, and at the company as a whole. If it seems like something you could reasonably do with your skillset, for a company that seems fairly well aligned with your values - then apply!

To quote the finest philosopher of our time:

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In Conclusion

Hopefully this article helped out a little bit, and gave you some tools to spot and help mitigate some harmful thought processes. And maybe even make you feel a bit more like you belong.

Because you do belong. Just because you think something is true, doesn't make it true. If you're holding down a stressful job, keeping up with industry knowledge and working on some sort of productive side project, you're a badass in my books - act accordingly.

Here are some awesome articles I found researching this article, if you're interested:

https://www.themuse.com/advice/5-different-types-of-imposter-syndrome-and-5-ways-to-battle-each-one - I structured my article based on the excellent archetypes in this post from The Muse, well worth a read.

https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/ - A really good intro and helpful article from Time Magazine.